My Poor Yard

My neighbour Jackie and I have been watching Telus and their co-conspirators desecrate our yards for the past month or so. 
I began the journey to their fibre development of Coopers very smugly, looking back. I love fast internet and hate slow.. well.. anything, so I signed up for their free install into my yard. 
Ironically the small town we lived in previously began the fibre instal journey years ago. The neighbouring town created their own (and owned) fibre network, and the rumour was that Telus wanted to stamp that out as quickly as possible so they could provide it instead, so they financed X number of millions of dollars to install it in Didsbury for free. 
The problem with Didsbury back then was that most people didn’t know what the internet was. 
I’m mostly joking, but Didsbury was not exactly at the epicentre of technology or of anything else that I can recall. It was a nice place to raise kids and find cheap houses, but my frugal wife had issues with its one-grocery-store approach to pricing and several other things of note. 
No place is perfect of course, but it depends on what you want. 
Telus apparently chose it out of the goodness of their hearts, like the prom queen taking the kid with taped glasses on a date which they both might regret. 
My contract with Shaw was up two months ago and they weren’t offering loyalty plans of any value (how on earth do these companies do business??), and having heard Telus was bringing fibre I signed a two year deal because I understand they’ll offer me the fibre upgrade for free until the end of my deal. 
So after several hours on the phone with our old provider (typical) with calls that sounded like “YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE ALL THE EQUIPMENT WE SHIPPED!! WHAT WOULD I DO WITH HALF A TV PACKAGE WHEN I’M WITH A DIFFERENT COMPANY NOW???!!!** GIVE ME MY DEPOSIT BACK!”
Provider: “We only show on our computer you shipped some of it back”
My wife (I was done by this point) “NO”
“But our computer…”
“NO!!!”
Remember Columbia House Records? Yeah…
Some of my smugness wore off, but I was still vaguely confident as Telus pulled up and discussed with my neighbour and I how they were going to drill/ hydrovac/ dig/ destroy our yards to install fibre “for free”. 
We have since discussed the plan of attack in our yards fifty seven subsequent times with fifty seven subsequent workers, none of which seem to talk to each other but all of which are very nice. 
Better be the fastest internet of all time! 
My wife and Jackie debrief after every machine pulls out of our joined front yards, and it’s brought them together like war tends to do, even if the health system wants to keep us apart to avoid the slightest fraction of possibility of getting the flu, but they just can’t help themselves. They need it. 
Their grass and shrubs get murdered daily, then they emerge from the shadows with their Yard AEDs and try to save their lawns. 
It doesn’t help that they both obsess over their yards perhaps a little too much, but they have had a hard emotional go of things lately. I came home the other day and if Jackie’s yard was a face surgery, it had been stitched up by a drunken surgeon using orange thread three inches thick. Pipes everywhere. 
“It’s ok ma’am, the grass will grow back”
Yeah, you wouldn’t say that if it was YOUR wife you had to go back in the house with and defend why a month ago you thought fibre was a great idea. Remember back when we did fifty zoom calls a day and weren’t allowed outside at all because of possible airborne covid blitzkriegs!?? 
Yes to fibre and the heck with our yards!!! If I have to tap my laptop one more time because my stupid screen is frozen I’m going to lose it!! 
“Hello. Hello. Can you hear me???” Followed by frantic plugging and unplugging of cords. 
Thankfully there remains one more surgery to the face of our yards. From the “upside down teacup” (the size of twenty teacups) right into our phone box on the side of the house. 
“NO. WE WANT THE LINE TO BOTH COME IN THE SAME TRENCH IN THE FLOWER BED IN THE MIDDLE. WE’VE TALKED ABOUT THIS FIFTY TIMES!” 
“I’m sorry ma’am, we might get in trouble if each pipe is not on each property line.”
“Boys” I stepped in confidently, “I’m making a document we’re both signing right now. One trench. Two lines. Right here.”
Today Terry and I will know if our wives are going to jail because they murdered fibre contractors or not. 
It’s a big day. Luckily he’s got a Shelby and I have a Ducati if the worst happens… 

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