Acupuncture

Just this word ties my stomach in knots. I have an illogical fear of needles, you see.

Now before you point out that I have tattoos (which use needles) my rebuttal would be “But it wasn’t NEEDLES. It was like a hot pen being dragged across my skin and I don’t care about that!”

If I can reframe it to say something different I’m usually ok.

In my defence I already said it was illogical…

The thought of shiny cold metal intruding into my body and stealing my soul is making me jumpy right now. I’m shrugging my shoulders in an attempt to force myself to relax.

I’ve experienced quite a bit of fear in my life and it’s so odd to me that I can’t seem to get a hold of this one. I can suffer what I think would be considered quite a lot to most people with calm aplomb, but needles freak me out.

My shoulder has been bothering me the last several months and I needed to find a solution that didn’t include Advil and hot/cold packs and massaging it for hours a day because time is money (it’s not but it feels like a waste of time all the same).

Erin had shoulder issues and then explored acupuncture, but Erin is a psychopath that enjoys watching surgery on TV and loves explaining in her cruel way the detailed sensations of the needles slowly entering her body and how it feels.

Shudder.

One more question I should have asked BEFORE we started dating. Too late now…

I watched her go to the Chiro, find relief and then a funny thing happened: the two of them unconsciously started teaming up to trick me into the black arts and needle worship.

“It’ll help!” they would say.

“Why don’t you just give it a try?” they would say.

A grown man can’t admit “I’m afraid like a little girl that’s why!” you know. Only girls are allowed to be afraid like little girls.

Well, this little girl was overdue for an adjustment in my back and last week was particularly painful in the shoulder department. This makes it hard to up my weight lifting game, however pathetic it actually is, but I figure I ought to be able to shoulder lift more than my daughter.

I said sheepishly to Erin “Would you come in with me?”

“Why?” She asked with malevolence.

“I’m, well… it’s just that I thought maybe.. you see..”

“YOU’RE GOING TO GET ACUPUNCTURE?!!!!” She screams like she won the Super Bowl. (I’m making most of this up)

She practically victory-skipped into the clinic and announced proudly “Corey is getting acupuncture today but he’s afraid like a little girl!” as if she was both getting a cut of the fee and trying to emasculate me in public in the same sentence.

Ladies and gentlemen I don’t nervously walk anywhere. I know how to walk and have been doing it a long time. I’m also quite confident.

But I crept into the room to await my procedure like I’d committed a horrible sin and it was time to suffer for it.

Dr Katie at Thrive entered beaming at both my discomfort (still making this up as I go) and the satisfactory end of her propaganda campaign to stick me full of needles.

Then she started calming my fears with a very logical approach I’ve used many times on my own little girls, but mostly when they’d dropped their ice cream or couldn’t find their hair brush.

“Would it be possible ma’am to have my wife come in and talk to me, in case I get afraid” I said in Oliver Twist fashion.

“Sure” (she definitely said) “big babies need company when they get afraid”.

Erin came in gloating because she was finally getting revenge for bearing four of my children (actually that sounds like there are more but that’s it), and the needles went it.

Granted, it didn’t hurt and I don’t mind pain, but panic was at the door and wanted in.

Erin had regaled me with how “I like the feel of needles and then I move my shoulder around because it feels cool”.

I made the awful mistake of shifting my body slightly and my brain shouted “WHAT DID YOU LET THEM DO???” as I felt a thousand slivers of metal whisper “We’re here for your soul!”

They were already half way there!

I locked up and whimpered softly “Please don’t stop talking to me”.

Erin sang me a couple of lullabies and had the best fifteen minutes of her life…

The only redeeming factor about all of this was that I was able to retell the story to my staff and get a laugh later. Crystal piped up “It’s probably good to experience irrational fear so you know what other people are feeling?”

Yeah whatever Crystal. You’re fired.

Oh also my shoulder feels a lot better so maybe it actually works? I’m going back in tomorrow to see if I can purchase more needles in exchange for a little money,

And whatever remains of my soul.

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