Pet Peeves: Dogs that bark at Not Burglars, People who don’t clean up after their dogs.

Both of my pet peeves can be linked back to the owners of pets.

Now when Erin and I are legitimately on a walk that does not involved trespassing on someone else’s property (as opposed to the illegitimate walks where we break into people’s houses?), I feel like I should be able to do so without a bunch of dogs barking their brains out at me. I should be allowed to bark at them but not the other way around.

What I’ve noticed next during the recent warm weather is that quite a few pet owners have decided it’s too much trouble to clean up after their own animals and, though snow covers things for a few short months, one day it will thaw and everyone else will get to enjoy avoiding their dog doo on the walking paths.

Of course NOT having to clean up after a dog is my main reason for not having one (I have fifteen main reasons for not having a dog but that’s my MAIN main reason). I feel like I have evolved enough past the child rearing years to take a hard pass on cleaning up the remains of animals whom I don’t particularly owe the same human right as I did my own children (not that I did the lions share of diaper changing it should be noted).

As much as dog lovers (my wife) might insist that animals are family just like people, it’s not true. Dogs would love to be considered humans of course, but they’re very tricky and you have to be careful.

Those liquid puppy dog eyes when they’ve done something displeasing. That absolute acceptance and love of their humans no matter what kind of jerks they may actually be. The way they snuggle on your lap and wish desperately to sleep in your bed all smacks of an evil agenda that I for one haven’t fallen for yet.

No, I’m wise and cautious and don’t make ridiculous judgements because of my natural patience levels (cough cough), but I’ve noticed a sort of taking over of households by the family pets.

But I just cannot seem to get my mind around having to feed a dog and clean up after it as well. They should learn how to use the bathroom like everyone else if they aspire to human status. It’s time for them to quit playing stupid and get potty trained!

I mean how hard can it be people?? Surely there are training videos for how to free humans from the tyranny of cleaning up after our own animals??

It’s discouraging to dance around brown lumps on the paths I walk every day because there is one thing we have scientifically proven beyond a shadow of a doubt: Nothing smells as bad as dog doo on your shoes and nothing sticks to them like it does.

It’s not dogs themselves that I hate. Dogs are quite nice. We had a dog for years and I freely admit she was a lovely dog. BUT SHE WAS A DOG. By week two Erin had her human adoption papers signed and I had a very hairy child who indecently relieved themselves outdoors and I had to clean it up!

Everybody knows cats are evil and we don’t need to dispute that, but dogs should learn to clean up after themselves like everyone else. (I may or may not be allergic to cats hence my belief since childhood of their moral reprehensibility).

So I’ve been weighing my options of just forgiving lazy pet owners, which is what I should probably do, or taking petty revenge and throwing whatever mess I find on the path into the nearest yard, assuming that’s where the dog lives.

Granted if I saw a local pastor randomly throwing dog doo into my backyard when I didn’t even have a dog I would wonder what kind of a church he attended (IE Church Of You’d Better Clean Up After Your Animals Or Else!), and they would rightly be upset.

This solution of course would mean I would have to touch disgustingness in some form or other and that’s not something I’m prepared to do even for petty revenge.

The other possibility is something I read about when I was a child and I remember my boy brain chiming with delight at both its genius and off coloured-ness.

Here’s the story as I remember it:

A man was seen walking his dog daily carrying a bag of something in his pocket, but not walking any remains to the trash can.

When asked about both what he carried and didn’t carry to the trash so to speak, he responded by showing them what was in his bag.

“It’s bacon fat. I just leave a little after my dog is done and let other dogs clean it up.”

I hope you aren’t reading this before breakfast, but I’m just sayin…

It’s nicer to clean up after your own dog:)