Burning my face off

Pressure reveals problems that were there all along.

This is a true statement. If you want to see someone’s character just put them in a financial bind with a few sleepless nights. You’ll find out if they have an anger or self pity problem.

Not that I know from experience of course…

If you want to know how unstable something is, just put it in the microwave.

I remember hearing about the early days of microwaves before we understood how they actually worked, and of a lady who was trying to solve the problem of a wet cat with one.

Rather than using a towel she had the thought that the microwave would be quicker. You can guess the rest. As a boy who hated cats because I was deathly allergic I wasn’t too put out by the story at the time, mostly because I didn’t really understand what actually happened to the cat.

Now that we understand how microwaves work things are different.

I’ve been using a plastic ball to work my shoulder out lately (one of the reasons I didn’t go pro as a quarterback, the other reasons are I was no good at football and never actually played), and I thought it would be more effective if it was warm so I put in in the microwave.

I’ve never been one who had the time or inclination to read instructions because I’m too smart for them, but I do remember my wife telling me 30 seconds was the time it needed in the microwave. My brain immediately informed me that that was for normal people but smart people with bad shoulders could work them out four times faster if it went in for 2 minutes instead.

Did it get warm? Yes it did.

Now let me paint you a picture. First thing in the morning on my way to have a cup of tea and read my bible in my chair I think “I should work my shoulder out too!” because, once again, I’m very smart.

The microwave door opened and my hand reached in and, somewhere between four and six inches away from my face the ball exploded.

I remember simultaneous burning from my chin to my forehead including the following areas: nose, inside of nose, cheeks, eyebrows, eyelids, eyeballs, upper lip, bottom lip, and everything else unmentioned so far.

Science is an unmitigated nuisance sometimes, particularly when it doesn’t recognize its need to bend for a human who doesn’t read (or intend to obey) instructions.

Oh for the days when magic was blamed for everything! Surely my face being on fire was the fault of a sneaky wizard and not the rules of the universe!!

Actually it was pretty scary.

My first thought was how perhaps Providence saw my face was too beautiful and needed to be marred properly to remove temptation from my wife, which makes a lot of sense. My second thought was “I just burned my face off! I wonder what kind of chemical was in that???”

Being the poster boy on a “Reasons NOT to microwave these chemicals for too long” advertisement would likely bring in a pile of revenue, but I wouldn’t be able to appreciate it because I couldn’t see anything.

It’s funny how you forget how much burning your face off hurts until you burn your face off? It was pretty excruciating.

Erin ran around in a panic, but still manages to throw a “How LONG did you microwave it for??” in so she could feel better, the next thing she did was suggest I go to the burn unit, or whatever it’s called.

Maybe you don’t know what being a Kope male is like, but burn units are for sissies who burn themselves, not real men. They make you hand in your man card if you go to save your face.

Men’s faces aren’t supposed to be beautiful anyways, only functional, and I was pretty sure mine would be one day minus seeing, smelling and possibly eating.

I promptly rinsed my face with cold water, which was more of a hot-needle experience than usual for some reason, then blindly fumbled the freezer door open and put an ice pack on my face because cold is the opposite of heat (science).

Then I went about my normal life because that’s what Kope men do… distract ourselves with work.

I made the following minor adjustments to my day:

I read my bible with an ice pack alternately covering each eye when the pain was too much, which was every two seconds or so, rocking back and forth and groaning as quietly as I could so as not to disturb my family.

I had my normal prayer time, but with the exciting new topic of asking God to fix my face, if that was possible.

I conducted staff meeting by speakerphone because it’s hard to respect a leader whose face is obscured by an ice cloth and who is focusing hard on every word in an attempt to concentrate through layers of face pain.

I worked on my sermon upstairs so as not to alarm a random door knocker.

I worked out around 3 when the pain went down enough to warrant physical pain of a different sort.

I lead a small group later that night.

And today I have a funny story to tell so people don’t assume their pastor’s face lost a fist fight. A full week indeed!

Hopefully your week isn’t quite as full…

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