Eating Garbage

I like eating garbage. Garbage is delicious.

French fries. Nasty burgers. Ribs. You know… garbage.

My ideal healthy living would be watching my wife eat salads while I eat whatever I want and having the benefits of her habits appear in my body.

My ideal exercise would be riding one of those weird looking tandem bikes at the gym in that one Simpsons episode. Mr Burns is reading the paper while Smithers does the actual pedaling.

Smithers huffing and puffing: “Have you had enough exercise for this morning?”

Burns dismounting and walking away: “No! Let’s do another twenty miles!”

Perfect.

But apparently the world doesn’t work that way.

Ever try to get along with someone who doesn’t know how the world works? I can think of fewer more frustrating things.

Now, I’ve worked with literally any type of person you could imagine, some of them raving lunatics, and I’ve been able to find common ground and accomplish a goal with most of them.

MOST.

We’ve recently had dealings with a particular person that I feel like asking “Does anybody like you including your own mom? Perhaps you could try smiling, like even once just to see if it’s possible? You do realize that people in general don’t exist for you to rule them with an iron rod?”

I said out loud to someone on my staff: “They don’t know how the world works. One morning they’ll wake up with an awful headache”.

Well, my body doesn’t know how the world works and I don’t care.

I’ve written in the past about my exercise routine, which isn’t terrible. At the time I stepped up my running game from 15 minutes to 38 minutes a day. Then (patting my own back) I stepped it up to 5-6 times a week and 45 minutes each….

…basically so I could keep eating garbage. Because I like it.

It appears that Science (said disdainfully) informs us that one also has to eat well to be healthy. This is of course ridiculous if I believe everything I see in movies (and I do. Hollywood is only allowed to release movies that are factual). You know what I mean… perfectly crafted beach bodies who eat garbage and drink way too much and smoke things they shouldn’t?

It appears now that one’s lifestyle affects one’s body, which is decently new information thanks to Science not speaking up sooner.

(I’m blaming science because it’s easier to make changes if you act like “Well! Someone finally told me the truth! I would TOTALLY HAVE BEEN DOING THIS THE WHOLE TIME IF I’D HAVE KNOWN!!!”)

The real problem of course is that garbage has, and always will be more delicious than things that are good for you. Don’t believe those crazies who tell you carrots taste good. They’re the same idiots who enjoy doing pushups because there’s something wrong in their brains, and that’s not healthy in and of itself. I refuse to take advice from people with unhealthy brains.

Have you ever eaten a carrot? In view of our terrible eating changes starting next Monday (the Kopes are all doing it because I don’t like being miserable AND lonely), I decided I would have a snack before bed and, locating the Fresh Produce compartment of our fridge for the first time, grabbed a fifteen pound carrot to the shock of my older daughters.

“What are you doing dad??”

“Eating healthy!” (Duh). This said as self righteously as I dared.

I walked up to the room and tried the first bite. You know, it wasn’t terrible!

By bite four my teeth were like “This is more work than we’re used to. It’s like there’s no grease to soften up whatever this new thing is we’re eating.”

My jaw started failing about halfway through this exercise because it’s only real action previously has been me talking at 4 billion words per minute.

My eyes were like “Oh my goodness! We can actually see!”

But my brain eventually got involved, and that’s rarely good.

“Dude. Seriously?” (My brain addresses me surprisingly casually)

So as we speak Erin is out shopping and buying real food which costs real money. I guess we’ll take it out of the girl’s education fund like we do whenever there’s a sale on literally anything I happen to like (kidding). So I’m going to have to reallocate funds because garbage costs less than things that taste gross.

All I know is this had better work or I’m going to be extremely angry with Aaron Edwards who definitely said to me last week “If you eat on the plan I do you won’t have to exercise in any way and you’ll look like me”

We’ll see Edwards. We’ll see.

Also he may not have said that but everyone needs to have someone ready to take the fall for the next months of my brain saying

“Dude. Seriously?”

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