Heresy alert: This article may offend some readers if rap music is from the devil.

(Everyone knows it’s not JUST rap music, it’s also rock and roll and basically any kind of music the person who said “rap is from the devil” doesn’t happen to like.)

I would have to argue that southern gospel music doesn’t personally transport me to heaven but rather makes me wish I could escape it by going there, but my playlist in heaven will have hip hop in it because it’s super catchy.

One time I screwed up my back and needed a massage. The lady asked about my career… “You’re a pastor??? Oh, let me change the music to something you’ll like!”

Insert southern gospel music.

Lady: “Hmmm. You seem to be getting more tense? Is everything ok?”

Obviously not man! That music stresses me out!

Now it should be noted that Kanye West’s reaction at the pearly gates will be priceless.

I can imagine St Peter reading Kanye’s resume:

“Kanye West –

Rapper.

Artist.

Odd.

Thinks he’s God.

Isn’t.”

Well that’s one way to demand entrance to heaven… “Um, I’M the headliner guys!”

Peter: “I feel like youfeel like we should know who you are?…”

Oh Kanye…

If the artists I would totally listen to (IF they weren’t raving lunatics) would create Kindergarten Versions of songs I would be a happy man.

I mean Chance the Rapper? Five seconds of Chance and my wife goes from yelling at the kids (I just made that up) to wiggling her shoulders and gettin’ happy. It’s like magic until I have to change the song because of his language or, shall we say topic selection?

I once changed my wife’s ring tone to the radio version of an Eminem song I’m not going to tell you the title of because you’d try and get me fired. Was it funny at the Telus Spark Centre when she did the thirty second phone fumble in front of a billion children during a dead quiet orientation before their field trip?

Yes it was, for me anyways because I wasn’t there,

but it looked “like a job for me so everybody just follow me, we need a little controversy but it feels so empty without me”. (Oops)

Technically true lyrics. I would have found a way to get a laugh in the shocked silence rather than the complimentary concerned phone calls to social services that likely followed.

It was a job for me! Slim Shady knew!

But sadly Jay-Z can’t headline our Venue playlists during our Church in the Wild series, even if it was his song because, well…

he invited Kanye to the party.

Oh Kanye. It’s like you had too much to drink and decided to release JR High you. The rest of the world is definitely NOT trying to relive their JR High insecure try- to- be- the- cool- kid- by- telling- everyone- you’re- the- cool- kid days. It’s just sunglasses and Advil then…

For reals Kanye!!! Jay-Z was almostrolling in between the lines until you jacked his ride and pushed out Decency and Common Sense and gave Shock Value a ride.

Ugh.

I love that the Christian rap scene is roughly a billion times better than it used to be when I was young with recent releases from NF (try the song Returns), but unless someone re- releases hip hop songs with all the pain intact while removing the feeling one has that he needs a morality shower after…

I still have to say to DJ Ara “Hey, use this song in the lobby IF IT’S VENUE APPROVED”.

I don’t even want to look at the lyrics sometimes but as a responsible member of the clergy (cough cough), it does matter.

So I have Ara do it because some of them scare me.

The thought that kids are listening to and taking their cues from artists who undoubtedly hire bodyguards to protect them from their own moms trying to smack them “upside their heads” fills me with unease.

I mean, my mom can send me to heaven anytime she decides it would be best for the human race and we both know it.

Sure it might end my rap career a bit early but at least I’ll get in.

She and St Peter are pretty tight.

“Corey Kope –

Wishes he was a Rapper.

Not Talented.

Odd.

Afraid of his mom.

Definitely doesn’t think he’s God.

Isn’t.”