Goose Attack

Geese are scary.

I’m not normally afraid of nature (not true, I’m scared to death of many things in nature ie snakes and spiders. Oh and weird bugs and weird lizards and weird anything really), but I had a bad and exhilarating experience the other day.

I was minding my own business (rarely true) walking around the man made lake in my neighbourhood and was nearly attacked by nature’s most vicious predator: The Goose.

We’d noticed a couple of non-Ryan Goslings appear to mother and father goose and from a distance it was very enjoyable. Spring time is amazing and very cute in the animal kingdom and Erin and I love our walks around the lake.

But when Erin isn’t with me a couple of alarming things happen:

I get lost in my head when I go walking and I don’t have to behave because she’s not there.

My father grew up in a town of 500 people and his school class had something like 45 kids in it. Baby boomers born in 1946 (I’ll explain if you don’t get it).

The stories he has of how many teachers they sent ‘round the bend are legendary because there were a lot of bad apples in the same class. Basically there were way too many rambunctious farm boys who kept getting into trouble.

Some genius came up with a solution: put the girls and boys in different classes! Put all the bad eggs in the same room!

I asked dad “Did it work?”

“Heck no. They removed the only calming influences we had. With no girls to impress things got pretty wild”.

So basically every man is still a mischievous seven year old at heart (I am anyways) and we get married so we don’t try something stupid for kicks and die before our time.

Whenever I have a brilliant, dangerous idea a picture of Erin’s lovely disapproving safe face floats into my mind’s eye.

“I’d better not. Erin wouldn’t like it” is what I end up saying to whoever is nearby. Mostly my kids.

“You try stupid things with your kids there?”

Yes, obviously that’s the problem. Remember, I have the maturity and curiosity of a seven year old boy and get along great with kids. My main purpose in life is not to be responsible because that’s very boring, it’s to get a laugh which makes me a bad influence around children.

So I’m out walking around the lake this week and completely didn’t notice the goose family three feet away on the same path. Oh my goodness did mom and dad goose freak out and start hissing and feint-charging!!

I jumped about three feet straight sideways because my life of trying literally anything that might be later described as “fun” or “funny” has given me cat like reflexes to avoid death before my brain engages what’s going on.

One could argue that my brain being engaged would likely avoid the danger in the first place. Erin would argue that. Librarians would argue it. My mom would argue it. Basically anyone who’s never attempted home made bombs because they don’t have the guts to.

There is no way on God’s green earth that Erin would have been surprised by the entire family of geese, but I was. The funny thing is that once I discovered I wasn’t in harms way I started provoking the geese because I was curious what they’d do.

It’s not enough to watch geese attack people on Youtube. I’m an experiential kind of person. The scientist in me wanted to know if ANY geese with goslings would attack a random person provoking them. This is normal behaviour for boys because we’re very stupid.

A hornet’s nest! I’m in! Let’s teach those stupid hornets who’s in charge! Rocks won’t throw themselves y’all.

I found a hornet’s nest in my hot tub one time and decided to take the cover off and spray them out of there. Sadly my choice of tool was an impact driver and also sadly there were twenty screws holding the cover on that all needed to come off.

If you’re unfamiliar with an impact driver all you need to know is that it sounds like machine gun fire, which is why your husband has one and your son wants one.

So… having not thought my plan through I went straight to level ten nuclear strike and about the third screw in began encountering very angry hornets encountering any exposed body parts, which were many because once again I hadn’t thought my plan through.

Plans are for librarians, not amazing geniuses like me.

Every crazy experience I have begins with the thought “How hard could it be?” Did I get stung a million times? Yes I did. Was it funny? Yes it was. I’m smiling about it right now! My life is a very rich one and will continue to be if I survive it.

Angry Hornet Stories Erin can tell? Zero. I win again!

So I survived a goose warning, a goose provocation, and a near goose attack. Did I learn my lesson? Folks, only librarians learn things.

Two days later the family geese had “migrated” (look it up) to the other side of the lake, which I didn’t know was a thing. This time I was on the phone when they came a chargin’.

Straight sideways did I jump. Then, in the interests of the survival of mankind I started hissing and feinting again to prove the ascendancy of the human race.

Did I nearly get attacked again? Obviously.

But I learned my lesson. Later that evening we took the kids out walking and I grabbed a handful of grass to throw at the geese, which did NOT charge me. I was baffled! What was different this time? “Goodness” I thought “My kids are with me! They can’t attack me if I bring children!”

Yeah, I may not win parent of the year anytime soon.

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