Something has been making me sick for awhile: people who have the courage and physical conditioning to run marathons.

It’s not enough that I feel guilty for the shape I’m in, now I need to listen to them tell me about running endless miles with no one chasing them? It makes no sense to me whatsoever.

I had a boss one time whose wife ran marathons. I remember he told us he was sitting in a pub in Vancouver having a laugh at all the “idiots running out of town. The only problem was, they turned around and all came back!”

My sentiment exactly!

Heck, I get tired driving 26 miles…

My neighbours are into this self tormenting sport. I was quite enjoying the warmest day of the year when they came walking wearily in their running attire down the sidewalk.

“We just did 30 kms” with wry smiles…

Great. Now my day will be riddled with guilt while theirs is only riddled with physical pain.

It’s weird too because they own cars. I don’t get it.. It would be one thing if the only way to get someplace was to use your legs, but we have so many better options that allow us to travel AND drink coffee at the same time, thus feeling good about ourselves.

AND the end of the road is generally where they started? This is madness of the most insane kind.

At least throw a ball and chase it, or create a game where you can beat someone else at something.

The sad reality is that everyone running a marathon loses. 

And their friends lose too because they have to hear about it.

A friend of ours ran a marathon in Missoula Montana and I was there at the finish line to support her. What I mean is that by the time I was done parking and finding a popsicle to eat (very difficult), she had crossed the finish line and was looking for us. I was embarrassed for her. And what was I going to do? Popsicles don’t eat themselves…

Then we heard about how much pain she was in, which was obvious because she kept falling asleep when talking that evening. Was she being a good friend? Obviously not. As if I wasn’t emotionally exhausted from the guilt of NOT bettering myself as a person. She had no idea how much pain I was really in. And you can’t compare physical pain to emotional pain.

So after recovering from having to process all of my excuses for my long standing decision to never run a marathon, I’ve decided to be careful with my inner promises.

It’s like a Christian saying “God I’ll go anywhere you say, just not ____!”

God: “Hey, I need you to go to ____!”

Why? Because God has a great sense of humour.

In other news I’m never running a marathon because of medical reasons. By that I mean my friend is a doctor and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t want me to consider running for my emotional well being. So medical – emotional reasons.

It’s a new thing where people get stress days from work because their feelings are hurt about something or they only got three hours of sleep last night because Call of Duty came calling. Very important. If we got attacked by video games we’d be begging for their help.

As you can see I’m employing the timeless art of distraction from me not wanting to do something. It’s like when your seven year old asks about the origins of the universe at bedtime. They don’t give a rip about that, but they know you like to talk about stuff you think you understand, and anything, including that, is better than going to bed.

Anything would be better than running a marathon.

I’d rather spend my own money to build a hospital for squirrels (which I don’t care about) than run a marathon.

I’d rather listen to my daughters tell me random stories of human interaction at school for an hour and forget the punch line than run a marathon.

Heck, I’d rather watch a chick flick and cry than run a marathon.

I’d even rather run a marathon than think about running a marathon, that’s how bad it is:)