On a recent trip to Cuba my wife swam with dolphins, and she liked it.

We needed birthday ideas and this one came to me while racking my brain and watching TV (It can be done:), sadly I was sitting beside my wife at the time when I blurted “Hey, would you like to swim with dolphins for your birthday?”

It’s not that the idea wasn’t straight up genius, it’s that I quite obviously came up with it on the spot and said it with this shocked, pleased look on my face. I’m a terrible gloater you see…

I should have acted like I’d been planning it forever to get maximum street cred with my wife, but sometimes you win ten cents in a lottery and need to put it in your pocket.

So the girls and I paid a whopping $103 (we were going to Cuba anyways. Another reason to be good at budgeting) for Erin to have a morning she’ll never forget.

The shuttle picked us up at the resort and took us to the ferry to get to the dolphins. If you’ve never been to Cuba, it has a distinctive 1960’s charm and a much simpler cultural stew, which is why we like it. The modern music isn’t modern, and the shows are a little campy but that adds to the fun.

I tagged along because I had nothing else to do, but when asked originally if I wanted to go, I believe I responded with something like “Right. I’m going to climb into a big tank and have questionable experiences (not exactly the words I used) with dolphins? Pass. I’ll take pics.”

I love the ocean and water in general, but I think that I’ve watched too many shark movies because I don’t like snorkelling. I’m way too paranoid watching my six o’clock for the Great White so as to avoid the inevitable feeding frenzy, that and all the formations of coral freak me out because they look like alien movie sets. So between alien and shark movies, I’m a little too shaky to put my head underwater.

All that to say that when Erin wanted me to “bond with dolphins” or whatever it is that happens, I politely declined. She was hurt until she remembered it saved money and then she was happy. Aaaaand she need me to take pictures because it would probably kill her to pay $15 for one “professional picture” from the “professional photographer” there.

It was well worth it to see her push the actual children aside in the tank and hog all the dolphin time. She was giddy and talking to a dolphin like she talks to every animal, as if they can understand English. Silly Erin, dolphins only understand Spanish in Cuba. Not sure what kind of education she received in Medicine Hat, but obviously not great.

Granted the children and other people in there with her seemed more scared than enamoured with the dolphin, probably because dolphins are naturally vicious creatures who paralyze their victims with high pitched squeaking before nibbling them, but Erin didn’t care.

At one point, the instructor said “Put your head in the dolphin’s mouth!” And before I could stop her, Erin pried the poor creature’s jaws apart and crammed her head inside! What on earth would possess someone to do that??!

We’ve all heard “If Jimmy jumped off a cliff would YOU?” before, but that’s because our moms just assumed that, though we might be stupid enough to jump off a cliff, there’s no way in the world we’d put our heads in a carnivore’s mouth no matter how many people yelled it at us?

Also I would like to register my disgust about the animal rights being transgressed, that dolphin was probably already full from eating previous tourists and should not be forced to eat more. I am very concerned and have started a group called PADO, or People Against Dolphin Obesity.

I have also started another group called People Against Other People Putting Their Heads In Animals Mouths Because People Tell Them To, but it’s not gaining as much traction. Probably needs a longer title.

While Erin was having the time of her life, I was taking video and thinking two things: how glad I was the slimy sea creature wasn’t touching me, and how I’d better not drop my phone in the water or the cost of my trip would go up. Both very romantic thoughts, and that’s what makes me an amazing husband.

Aaaaaaand I’m the one who came up with the birthday idea all by myself. She really is very lucky to have me:)