I’m that Maniac Coach

Things I’ve actually said to children under the age of 12:

“One rule guys, when we score, we lose our minds!!!!!”
“YOU need to score a bicycle kick right now!”
“I need 100 goals from you in the next shift”

Things children have said to me:
“What’s a bicycle kick?”
“I’m cold and dizzy”
“Who do you keep calling Marisa? I’M Marisa!”

I feel that context is everything before declaring a parent unfit to coach/ be around kids so here’s some context…

My new favourite person in the world a Jurgen Klopp.

“Who is he and why do I care?”

You care because he is Liverpool’s newish manager and he is a maniac. He’s German and adds an intensity so refreshingly different to the English game, where coaches tend to choose their words carefully and be in relative control of themselves. I wouldn’t just say that I love him, I might be IN love with him. He is simply a maniac and a motivator.

“What’s the most important thing in soccer kids?” I asked last year.

The typical Canadian “Have fun?” And “Pass the ball?” came up. I looked confused and said “No! Scoring goals!”

It should be mentioned that win or lose we always have fun, but kids like achieving things and improving too. It makes them feel good.

One time I was waaay out of the technical area near where the other team’s subs were “taking a knee” to go on when we nearly scored. I yelled something unearthly as my body twisted off the ground in a way that is physically impossible (my own way of willing the ball into the back of the net), and on my way down my eyes locked on those of the nervous girls on the other team.

Were they afraid? Absolutely they were! Casting scared glances toward their “normal” Canadian soccer coach they started inching away from the touch line. Will they be confident during their shift? Not a chance!

Advantage our team!!

Whenever our strikers are preparing to go out it is always with a big smile and “score a bicycle kick right now!” ringing in their ears. Most of the time the kids just grin, but one of them actually said “I doknow what that is, but I can’t DO one…”

What a terrible attitude. Disgusting!

“I’m cold and dizzy”… said no champion EVER!!! Unbelievable!

As to calling the wrong girl Marisa for most of the game… in my defence I had forgotten her name.


I made up for Marisa’s indignation by calling her the “REAL Marisa!” for the remainder of the season. “Take the line REAL Marisa! Cut that ball out REAL Marisa!” She actually quite enjoyed it.

I had a little guy on a team named Jake one year before we moved to Airdrie. Jake had no idea he was half the size of every other player out there because he had heart and loved to run and probably never stopped to think about his disadvantage.

The other team that day was killing us because they had a monster who could literally kick the ball the length of the field. This is a huge deal and can dominate the outcome of a game, their team in fact had four or five dominant players like that. They had been murdering other teams with no mercy that year and we’d watched other little players leave the field crying after losing 10-0. Classy.

Now there’s “normal” Corey and “coach” Corey.

Normal Corey would just accept this with a calm demeanour and try to win the next game.

Coach Corey tried something different.


“Here Coach!”

“See that Number 5?”

“Yes Coach”

“Cram his feet! I don’t want him to have a moment without you ON HIM all night!”

“You got it Coach!”

Did we win that game? Yes we did. It was a little David buzzing around the feet of Goliath who didn’t know what was happening. When Jake came off the field he gave me a mock salute, mostly because I was raving like a lunatic and singing his praises. Love that boy!

All’s fair in love and soccer baby.

We were also more organized than the other team who relied on demoralizing the opponent by intimidation rather than strategy, and we ran them off their feet. Their coach wouldn’t shake our hands after the game, then went on a Facebook rant about how we “cheated” by kicking the ball out of bounds when in trouble by our own goal because that should be called for “delay of game”.

If she’d ever actually watched a soccer game she would notice that the clock never stops and you can kick the ball out a million times if you want to concede possession. Well, a throw in from the side beats the heck out of giving up a goal so….

Sure I’m UBER competitive but I’m always laughing and smiling, and you should see the kids skipping off the field even after losing a game. They LOVE it. I think my insane energy, high fiving everything that moves, and shouting encouragement until I’m hoarse every game is exciting.

This year we’re trying out Grace Soccer and I’ve heard I might have met my match with Pastor Mike.

Game on buddy. Game on.


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