No More Open Mics

Have you ever been to a good “open mic” session at a wedding? I haven’t.

I can guarantee that the first person who suggested an open mic was the guy who should never be allowed to use it.

“Let’s carefully plan a wedding down to every detail, but we have this ten minute slot during the reception that we should fill with something psychotic and alarming. Something that can’t be unheard or unseen… I know! Open Mic!”

Erin and I didn’t serve alcohol at our wedding not for religious reasons, but to ensure the Jr High kid deep inside our older relatives didn’t make an appearance there. Her sister made the mistake of having an open bar at her wedding so the lonely people who drank too much wouldn’t feel outclassed… and naturally some random relation I haven’t seen since offered to fight me while cleaning up at one in the morning to prove his manhood. I respectfully declined.

Granted, it could have been worse. She could have had an open mic at her wedding.

There’s a reason most people are afraid to speak at something as important as your wedding, they don’t want to wreck one of the best days of your life! Unless, that is, they’ve been drinking! It can move quickly from “I’d better not, remember the last time I…?.” to “It’s my God-given right to get a cheap laugh!!! Finally! A platform!”

We’ve all been to the wedding where Uncle Peter staggers up on stage, looks out over the crowd, forgets there are children and decent human beings present (mostly because he can’t see them), and tells one of the many dirty jokes in his repertoire. If one person laughs, he instantly warms to it and… release the Jr High Kraken!!

What is shocking to me is that sometimes we feel the need to actually ask someone we should never ask to say anything EVER to speak at a big event? Why? Because their feelings would be hurt if we didn’t ask them?

This is madness people! If their self esteem is terrible because they keep embarrassing people that trust them, how is giving them a mic going to help??

I recently suggested to a young couple that they have those asked to speak at their wedding send what they’ve written to them first so they can “photocopy (proof read) it”.

“But they might feel that we don’t trust them!”

NEWSFLASH!!! Of course you don’t trust them! People who can’t be trusted don’t get to have their feelings hurt when people don’t trust them! Baby steps to get that mic!

I have a Venue Kids teacher who wrote on the front of her material “Don’t screw up other people’s kids!” mostly as a joke. I thought it was brilliant and told Erin the other teachers should do the same! Hey, they’re responsible to teach waaaay more than their opinions, they’re responsible to teach the truth! If you get it wrong you get to apologize, not feel hurt!

Back to weird relatives at weddings…

Everybody has a weird uncle or two. They’ve been weird since we were kids, so please lets not reward bad behaviour with more wattage!

I love my Uncle Tom because we’re family, but Uncle Tom hasn’t quite made it into the last several decades. Some of my cousins and I were sitting at a table with a lovely Filipino girl and her sister who married into the family.

We all knew what Tom was thinking but couldn’t quite catch him in time. In his defence, he hasn’t monitored what he says for years and was actually trying to be proper, so what came next felt like a reasonable statement (to him), this is what I remember:

“(Something something) HONG COUVER, it’s turning into another little Vietnam!” and I think he topped it off with a “I had a Chinese friend one time who….”

Shocked silence. Everyone’s response was a little different.

One of my cousins put his face in his hands. Another melted into the background. Another said “WHAT??!” with his arms in the air.

I leaned towards the Filipino girls, winked, and said “Welcome to the family:)”

Right. Let’s give Tom a mic at the next wedding! What’s the worst thing that could happen?

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