I’m sure some of you will hate me for writing what I’m about to, but I would guess that the average age of the hater would be younger and not in the “more experienced” category when it comes to romance.
How do I know this? 20 year old me believed these things because he was so much smarter than 42 year old me.
Here are some things culture believes in currently that will make it nearly impossible for you to experience love the way it could be. Let’s dive in shall we?
MYTH #1: The Right One.
“The reason my past romances haven’t worked out is because they weren’t the right one for me”
This theory puts us on a search for the one person in the whole world that will love you the way you need to be loved and that you can love with all your heart. The one person. Your soul mate. The CONNECTION. Think uncle Rico’s fantasy in Napoleon Dynamite.
Imagine meeting them at Starbucks in line for your non fat, soy, triple foam, tall almond mocha latte (it probably exists) in a cup with a name that sounds like your name but isn’t spelled like it.
Awww. They also spelled his name ridiculously. You laugh, he laughs, then your eyes meet and you live happily ever after.
The problem with this theory is that there’s a massive difference between Connection and Chemistry. Connection is not something that goes up if you add alcohol, or mood lighting, or whatever. Chemistry is a funny and fickle thing that comes and goes. Sometimes there’s chemistry and connection, sometimes there’s not. If you build your love life on chemistry it is a slippery slope. Connection is based on character, as in “Could I build my life around you? Can I count on you to do what’s right when your emotions are telling you not to?” See the difference?
There’s more to this thought, but you’d have to watch the sermon link below…
MYTH #2: Marriage is a lot like Dating
Oh pish posh. What we really mean is “I’ll stick around as long as you love me the way you should” which is easily translated “I’ll stick around as long as you love me the way I think you should”.
There was a day when a commitment was a commitment and you kept your word. Now our word seems easily broken as long as we can plead we’ve been hurt. Find me a marriage where two people haven’t hurt each other and I’ll give you a million dollars. The marriage has to be between humans and not robots btw.
Dating means I’m on my best behaviour and so are you. Even when I’m showing you my best all the time, you still might break up with me!? The trouble is we enter marriage in culture today with ridiculous assumptions about romance, sex (I’m preaching about it this week if you’ve never been to Venue, just sayin…), and connection. The trouble with the entertainment industry is that they’re trying to sell you a climax emotionally/ physically/ spiritually that doesn’t exist. If you climbed a mountain all I’d have to do to deflate you is point to a hologram of a higher mountain in the distance and say “You could climb THAT if you really wanted greatness!”
Basically the best lies are ones that make the possible truth right in front of you unattractive. But people who pursue connection on screens never find contentment because it’s impossible and doesn’t exist there.
MYTH #3: A Relationship shouldn’t CHANGE me!
What the heck does that even mean? If you haven’t slept in five years because you have babies, riddle me this: Has it changed you?:)
“I passed my husband in the hall at 2 am like ships in the night. Ships carrying throwing up children. He said something funny and I playfully touched his face. We kissed and spent the rest of the night telling each other how wonderful the other one was and writing poems and listening to our song. It was magic!”….. said no on ever.
Oh please. The whole purpose of a relationship is to change you! Like change the bad, selfish parts of you to something better! The bible says “Iron sharpens iron” and that’s the way our relationships are meant to be. If you stop growing and getting better as a person, you’ll fight for what you want tomorrow with the same argument you had about it today. Give and take. Make mistakes and apologize and get over yourself. That or trade that relationship for another one and try again…
MYTH #4: My purpose on earth is to BE loved.
This is the most dangerous of them all. It’s scary because we all secretly believe it and it looks and sounds soooo close to the truth, but nothing could be further from it.
Break it down. If you exist to BE loved, then it’s everyone’s full time job to love YOU!
“I’m married to BE loved. I had children so they could LOVE ME. I work here so YOU can love ME”
This is the most selfish of all the myths. A person who believes this will never experience love because love is selfless and giving, not selfish and taking.
I believe that I exist to love others. When I am loved back it is a by-product of loving others. But that’s not why I exist. If I look at you, my wife, my God, my kids and think I exist to BE loved, it puts me at the centre of the universe.
And that’s a scary thought….