Every year my mom would trot out the ghetto blaster (interesting name), take the Boney M Christmas album cassette out (look up what cassette means) and play the world’s most painful music while I descended into madness.
My childhood memories aren’t many, one tends to selectively block out the stupid things one attempted lest one get caught, but I remember things like Boney M Christmas.
My mom’s only fault was in liking my brother more than me but I can’t really blame her, I liked him better too. But if I could add another to her list of sin, it would be Boney M Christmas.
What would possess a German produced group of Jamaicans and Arubans to.. well.. exist? And what would then possess them to produce a Christmas album? Human pain and suffering is what most people would say, and so would I.
I love my mom dearly, but she can get a little obsessive from time to time which I understand completely because I’m sensitive and in touch with her emotions, but more accurately because it may be that I’m a little obsessive myself? Even with music, if I’m into a new album it will be playing loud in the truck for as long as I like it, and everyone has to deal with my obsession.
Some people are obsessed with money, some with TV, some with fancy clothes, but my mom was obsessed with Boney M Christmas.
As with every addiction there are consequences and hurt people, and I was the victim in every sense.
I ended up marrying a girl who is quite different from my mother, thinking that if one marries a peace maker there would be nothing to fight about (not true), but in all of our marriage preparation there was one question that I was too naive and trusting to ask:
What kind of Christmas music do you prefer?
What a shock when on our first Christmas together Erin trotted out a ghetto blaster (interesting name again), took the Boney M Christmas album cassette out (look up cassette) and blissfully pressed the play button?!
HOW DID I NOT THINK TO ASK THE RIGHT QUESTION???
Stupid stupid stupid.
So… what kind of car do you like to drive? Should we rent or buy a house? What do you eat for breakfast? YOU DON’T IN ANY WAY ENJOY BONEY M CHRISTMAS DO YOU???
I think I just assumed that the music was so terrible that no one else could possibly like it? Apparently I was wrong.
As I heard the music wafting through the room all I could think to say was “NO! It can’t be! Why on earth are you playing a Boney M Christmas cassette? What’s a cassette? And is that a ghetto blaster (interesting name)??”
She smiled sweetly and said “I love Boney M Christmas!”
I said “I hate it!!”
She said “Maybe you like the Muppets Christmas better?”
Friends, no one has ever said “Muppets Christmas” and “better” in the same sentence in the history of muppets or Christmas, or sentences! Why would that be the first Let’s Calm Corey Down suggestion? Muppets Christmas?? Is that even a thing??
Yeah let’s get puppets that sound like different animals to sing Christmas music! That makes sense! That will add class to society!
If I was the dictator of another country looking for an easy conquest I’d be licking my lips at Christmas time in Canada! Obviously these people aren’t capable of putting up a fight! They listen to fake frogs and pigs sing Christmas music in fake frog and pig voices! And it’s terrible! Let’s free these poor simple people who are being forced to do horrible, soul degrading things! FREEDOM!!! (In a Scottish accent)
All in all I feel like I’d already been dealt a poor hand, then I was saddled with little girls who quite enjoy fake animals singing fake albums. All I can say so far is that in our move to Airdrie maybe Erin lost track of her ghetto blaster (interesting name) and awful cassette tapes?
I think I’ll keep recommending Apple’s Christmas playlists and hope for the best, but I already know what is going to happen:
One day I’ll be minding my own business carefully avoiding the pain of Christmas past and the light will come on in Erin’s eyes.
“Hey! Boney M Christmas!!” As she launches herself downstairs to find her ancient ghetto blaster,
Whatever that is…