I really need fainting goats.

It’s almost unbelievable that there is an animal that faints in the presence of danger. What an amazing thing to be known for! I suspect that the leader of the fainting goat party was disrespectful when God was handing out survival skills and got what was coming to him.

“Danger? Quick, FAINT!”

How on earth have these creatures lasted so long? Are there empathetic predators that start pouncing, watch a goat fall over in a dead faint, then sit down patiently until they can resume their pounce? Maybe they think there’s something horribly unnatural about an animal who faints under stress and figure that they could inherit the traits of lunch?

What’s even more terrifying is that these beauties are conscious when they go down and it’s only their bodies that turn to stone. Now I can have an panic attack and watch the very thing that startled me calmly look me over while I lie motionless?

A video I watched said they can faint at mealtime if they get too excited. Imagine walking into the kitchen and finding butter chicken on the island? All my muscles lock and I fall in whatever position it was I started in, wait on the floor a few seconds and then resume the admiration that got me in trouble in the first place?

Sadly there are some people that react the same way under pressure which I find unusual and amusing.

“Danger! Quick, lock up and do nothing!”

“There’s a storm! Quick! Take an ax down below and knock a hole in the boat to let the water out!!”

Early in our marriage we’d be in the middle of a heated argument after turning in for the evening, and there were times when I would respond and wait for what seemed like an eternity for Erin to answer.

“Erin? You there?”

Sorta.. Her body was there but she wasn’t anymore. Why?

Panic Sleep!

Unbelievable! How on earth does somebody panic sleep? Maybe she thought I’d forget about the argument by the time she woke up and she could win, in a roundabout sort of way?

There’s nothing more irritating than trying to have an argument by yourself because the other person gave up and quit. You can’t quit before you get fired in an argument!! That’s cheating;)

Erin and the girls have been on me for years to get a dog.

I feel like if I give in to get a free loading animal with no purpose in the world except to be a love-leech and treated like a king (while humans clean up after it), it might just open the door to “Can we get another dog because this one is lonely? Can we get a bunch of mice? Can we get cats to keep the mice down? Dad can we have chickens too? Dad can you buy me a herd of cattle? And so on…”

If they asked for a fainting goat I would immediately say yes, and the heck with my yard! Imagine arriving home from a stressful day at work or having dealt with irritating situations and people, walking in to my yard, shutting the gate too quickly and watching my goat keel over? Now THAT would make me joyful to come home. All the quiet chuckles I could get out of it.. I’m chuckling thinking about it right now!

What about MY happiness Erin? I don’t want an animal to love, I want an animal who panics and falls over! That’s MY love language! So what if it’s like stealing candy from a baby? It’s just as sweet! I wasn’t blessed with an imposing physical presence, but with fainting goats I just need to be able to surprise them. I can do that!

We were watching a scaryish movie with my ten year old Katie and during a suspenseful piece I got out of my chair and put my face right beside her on the ground. When she noticed she freaked out and all the girls had a good laugh.

What if she’d have fainted? Amazing!

I think I should be able to push a button and cause somebody to faint anytime I want them to! What a gift that would be!

Erin at the checkout counter reaching for her credit card to buy shoes?

Faint.

Some boy talks to my daughter at school?

Faint.

Someone reaches for the last piece of steak?

Faint.

My goodness but the technology could fascinate! If only scientist would start concentrating on things that matter! Like my Fainting button!

What a world of amusing chuckles I could live in!