Librarians Scare Erin

I’m not sure why they do, but they do. 
 
Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia. 
Fear of humans? Anthrophobia. 
Afraid of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth? You’ve got arachibutyrophobia! 
Fear of books is called bibliophobia.
All of these fears I can get behind, but it took some time to sort out my wife’s particular ailment… 
 
Erin is amazing but she has a fear of librarians themselves (we think). This is an interesting phobia that I have lately begun to research, and by research I mean randomly throwing opinions, loosely based on facts into a pot and stirring it. I couldn’t find actual phobias for pots or stirring or I would be listing them now too. 
 
Her entire mental capacity, which is considerable, revolves around only two things:
 
“WHERE are the library books??!!
WHEN are the library books due??!!”
 
“Mom, the house is on fire!!” would be met with a panicked “BUT WHERE ARE THE LIBRARY BOOKS??!!” 
 
“Erin, we’ve been married for 17 years! Happy Anniversary!”
“Who cares?? ARE ANY BOOKS OVERDUE??”
 
I recently completed a census in the Kope home averaging how many books were read by all parties over a period of a week and ran out of decimal places on my calculator, so this phobia has been particularly cruel to our family. Well not to our family, we all think it’s hilarious, only to Mom. 
 
Hmmm. Phone call from Erin! I wonder what this could be about? Could she be calling to say she loves and misses me? Perhaps it’s an emergency? 
 
“Could you go on my computer and see what’s out at the library?” 
 
The only way I could get that kind of panic into my voice is if I was being chased by a bear while being eaten by another bear… 
 
Could it be that she is a rule keeper and wants to please people? Perhaps, though she only tends to keep the rules she happens to agree with (so probably not).
 
Could it be that she cares about education and learning? Not likely with a personal motto of “Keep Canadians Stupid” (Not true. I just made that up:)
 
No, a librarian scared her a long time ago. That’s what I think. I don’t know how that’s even possible because of all the professions known for their scariness…. librarians are not. Clowns? Terrifying! Grocers? The thing of nightmares!
 
What could a librarian possibly have done to her? Some form of physical intimidation? I doubt it. Sure they carry books around but they’re not exactly known for their physical prowess. Young weightlifters aren’t told “With hard work you might just about be able to land a job at the library!” I’ve never heard a librarian say “I used to be a Navy SEAL until I switched careers”.
 
No, friends. It must have been psychological, which makes a certain sort of sense as libraries probably have books about that sort of thing which a librarian would have access to and definitely be able to locate.
 
One day I just hit my limit…the girl I married living a paranoid, frantic existence… 
 
“Erin, what on earth could they possibly do to you if your books are late??? Fine you a dollar? Oh my goodness!! They’re librarians! Just walk in and push a stack of books over and show them who’s boss!! You’ve got to stand up to them!”
 
I’d like to tell you things have changed but they haven’t really. We were so close to a breakthrough until the unimaginable happened: Erin received a notice (threat) that a book was overdue and she spiralled. 
 
Do I hate librarians? No. I’m a bigger man than that.
 
I’ve also discovered that the library has movies which they help me find, which is cool. 
 
So, seeing as how I hang out there now, 
Truce?
Corey Kope

Pastor. Father of 4 beauties. Devoted husband, Liverpool fan, and Jesus follower.

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