Why Kombucha is Not Normal

So who was the first genius to look at some weird mushroom and think: “I should combine bacteria and yeast from this to make a fermented potion and drink it!”?

No one asks these questions so, out of necessity I have thrown my hat into the ring…

And will everybody quit using the phrase “Medicinal Purposes” because that just means it’s not normal and tastes gross but might be good for building character.

Kombucha has recently become quite popular in culture and, alas even in my own home but I’ve decided to put my foot down and explore the myth surrounding this tea drink. I’m naturally quite eager to explode things that I neither understand and therefore do not care for and hopefully keep others from enjoying things that I don’t as well.

My journey with Chai Tea has been a similar one but with disappointing results. My first taste of it reminded me of curry and I had decided I hated curry mostly because I’d never tried it, but on a trip to Kenya I had a fascinating curry meal which changed my mind and now I’m a raving lunatic about it.

I also like Chai Tea because I associate it with curry which I now enjoy….

I’m a complicated and sensitive man as you can tell but also highly intelligent (cough cough) so you will need to pay close attention to my thoughts on Kombucha and in the end agree with my findings.

Though Kombucha is often called a mushroom and looks like a large pancake, it is scientifically classified as a “zoogleal mat” BECAUSE THAT’S WAAAAAY BETTER. Why on earth could we not just consume pancakes which have been sorta scientifically proven to taste great?

With its origins in Oriental or Russian cultures, there seems to be some debate about who technically can be held responsible for this fiasco, and from my last four minutes of “research” (google), I would lean heavily towards the Orientals because my mom went to this lady in the Asian Supermarket in Calgary who told her to make this nasty tea out of crickets and other ungodly ingredients and drink it to make something better in her body.

Did it work?
I can’t remember… but I can remember the odour it left in our house.

We were in downtown Vancouver recently and ordered macchiatos from one of the city’s amazing coffee places where cool cultured people hang out, and as I was waiting patiently (cough cough) for our order I noticed that no one had picked up these little platters with two cups each on them and I was the only one in line.

I’m not proud so eventually I got up the nerve to ask “The macchiatos?”

“Right in front of you” was the response and also the story of my life so I grabbed our two-cup platters and went to our table. One was obviously our espresso drink but the other smacked of something sinister.

Was it Kombucha?
Did I drink it?
Am I disqualified from taking the vow of the Nazarite because of the fermented drink? (Bible. Look it up)
Did it make me feel good?

There’s this new coffee place in Airdrie I’ve found and am all about called Sorso. I have literally talked everyone into going there because it’s fun but then one of my guys suggested I try the Kombucha and I lost my mind. Et Tu, Brute? That’s all I need! Betrayal at the deepest level, but it gets closer to home for me…

Some friends of ours in Montana gave my own wife whatever plants make whatever it is I’m rambling about and she fell for it! I personally feel like it’s part of some weird hippy thing mostly because Erin likes the style of clothes they wear and thinks they’re “fun” or something but at the end of the day we came away with Kombucha and I’m scared for our family, but mostly for myself.

I have decided to go deep undercover long enough to expose the truth of Kombucha so other families (mostly men) won’t have to suffer and try things they sould rightly be skeptical of.

I’ll continue to research it to the best of my ability (cough cough) and keep you posted.

Until then, don’t drink anything I wouldn’t!

Corey Kope signing out.

3 thoughts on “Why Kombucha is Not Normal

  1. Glad to know that I am not the only one that finds this drink as odd! It has always haunted me ever since I saw some of those “fermenting process” images around the internet!


  2. Oh, it’s been around the block. I used to grow it and now I’m so grossed out and wonder how I even drank the stuff.


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