Luis Suarez – Biter Extraordinaire!


Uruguay… doing whatever it takes to win games.

Luis Suarez is one of the best strikers in world football and Liverpool Football Club has him.

Some major players have recurring problems with injury, confidence, or just morality. The clubs signing these players realize the risk and have to factor it in to the “deal”. You can pay a lot of money for a player who sits on the bench for several years and never quite gets fit enough to have the effect you bought him for in the first place.

Enter Luis Suarez.
Nobody knows where he came from. Raised in the forest by wolves, his feral instincts make him unusually single minded in scoring goals which are his means of survival.
When he first arrived in the English Premier League he could fake an injury like nobody else. When a foul is committed against a player a free kick is given from that spot. Luis Suarez usually plays very high up the pitch and has been accused of “diving” to gain an advantage for his team, often prompting the opposing fans to chant “Luis Suarez, we know who you are!”

The assumption that he is diving could not be further from the truth. He is simply momentarily faking his own death. If you grew up in the forest you would understand, but you didn’t so listen to Uncle Corey! When the hunter comes and fires a shot at you FAKE YOUR OWN DEATH! If you can keep your head and fall like someone has shot you in the back… you live another day! A hunter doesn’t waste bullets on dead wolf cubs.
To revive him, his wolf pack would simply roll a ball across his line of sight as a sign all was clear. This of course transferred easily to football and explains his reaction to a free kick given in his favour. He instantly revives, magically recovers…and scores some amazing goals.

In the World Cup game between Italy and Uruguay today, Luis bit an Italian defender. He will certainly come under public criticism and be disciplined severely by FIFA, as this is not the first biting incident in an otherwise fabulous career only previously marred by punching, head butting and racially abusing, but we must not lose our last vestige of honour in world football by overreacting! Known around the world as the only sport played by tough people (tongue in cheek), we must not allow this situation to turn political!

Sure Luis Suarez occasionally bites people but who doesn’t?
I bite people who frustrate me every day. They need to know that I will not stop at any preconceived nonsense in regards to human decency! I want people to walk on eggshells around me and worry when I’ll lose my mind again because it gives me room to maneuver. Don’t think that I’m an animal, I never go straight to the ol’ chompers. Dental work isn’t cheap and my family doesn’t have unlimited resources so I normally warm up with a little racial abusing. If they don’t get the hint I’ll up the ante and toss a punch to the neck in the mix. If they insist on continuing to act like a jerk what comes next is slamming my head into them like a maniac. Only after all other reasonable means have been exhausted do I do what seems to get all the press.

There isn’t a court in the land who wouldn’t see my biting as self defence. Like last year when that 80 year old nun ran her legs into my car. Look, I did what I had to do. Sure she had a lot to say to the judge, and some might say that I had an unfair advantage in being able to speak English, but justice won that day! Nobody understood she was showing the jury her bite marks and thought she was being rather indecent, but it only served to protect my God-given right to bite people!

You can sit at home and be an armchair non-biter but you are the reason the world is in such a mess! All these nicely worded speeches to persuade people and build consensus? Nay my friends, actions speak louder than words. The teeth are mightier than the…pen. Faith without works is dead! Pearls before swine and so forth!
There’s not a crowd in the world hollering for justice that can’t be ramrodded by a few well placed professional biters. It’s hard to dream of freedom with someone’s teeth buried in your arm.

It’s also hard to win football matches…

So before this post gets weirder than it already is and I run the risk of someone taking my gracious words out of context…

Farewell from the World Cup Luis Suarez!

And godspeed back to Liverpool:)

Suarez muzzle

PS. Obvious Question #1. Has anyone actually sat him down and explained that biting people is wrong? Sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees…

One thought on “Luis Suarez – Biter Extraordinaire!

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