Is Jazzercise a Cult?

Yes it is.

So my wife joins this unholy movement of other girls “sweating to the oldies” (or whatever it is they actually do there) and has now been sworn in to the inner circle of this cult.
It seems to me she goes between 5 and 100 times a week (I haven’t had the time to count) and comes back infused with energy and excitement that could only come from the pairing of physical exercise and social interaction which she holds so dear.
Now, being the pastor of a growing and innovative local church we have been on the receiving end of being called a cult (which would make me a cult leader I suppose), which I have: 1. Publicly refuted from the stage with the statement “How many wives do I have?” (answer “only one or my own mother would kill me”), and 2. Privately been quite amused with.
Accusations of cultish behaviour in churches never come from people who don’t go to church, why would they care?, but from people who go to other churches who just do things a little differently. So if that is the model to follow in my wild accusations, here we go!

I’ve never been to that Jazzercise, so here’s what I assume happens:

1. The girls warm up by stretching and probably chanting something.
2. They jump and gyrate about to devil music. (Music with drums).
3. They cool down by talking smack about their husbands and boyfriends by probably saying that we’re a bunch of jerks (only a partial truth).
4. They end with a chant about their commitment to each other and propagating the horrible untruths and “beliefs” of Jazzercise.
5. They go home to deceive their husbands by acting all happy and fulfilled.

Money Grab!
Not only do I assume that I disagree with everything they might or might not be doing there, Jazzercise is a total money grab! Every time they go it costs money, or worse, they pay actual monthly fees for something they believe in! They even pay money for childcare! I don’t want to live in a country where I have to pay money for other people to look after my children! Canada has changed! I’m not sure I like what I think I’m seeing!

Now there are two sides to every story and I want to be completely (ahem) fair with my assessment.
I’ve been pretty ruthless and open about the perceived negatives around Jazzercise so I’ll be equally open and alarming about the positives.

I’ve noticed that my wife’s body is returning to its pre-four-babies shape. Not that I am actually stupid or uncaring enough to mention the “before” picture (all joking aside I’m a gentleman who loves his wife and whatever body she has), but the “after” picture is causing me unholy thoughts along the lines of marriage with LOTS of benefits.
I know pastors aren’t allowed to think about or act upon such urges concerning this physical attraction to their wives, so pray for me? (Just don’t pray that hard). It seems I keep falling into this trap and not minding it in the least.
Erin comes home all flushed with excitement and a sense of well being and I think I should probably be skeptical and mistrustful about that in general, but the benefits….. It’s getting complicated.

One of my buddies has a wife in Jazzercise and we’re planning to don the sweat bands and tights (oooohh boy, forgot about Erin in those tights…) and ….. where was I…..?
Right the tights…. concentrate Corey!
We’re going to infiltrate this cult and get the facts for ourselves! We’re both athletic and coordinated, so the actual gyrations should be no problem whatsoever and we should be able to slip in under the radar. We’re thinking front row because they wouldn’t think to look for us there?
Our plan is to do this as soon as possible, or as soon as we find the energy anyways. Until then… we’ll continue to enjoy the benefits. But only until we get the real story and bring this thing crashing down! It’s a small price to pay, but we’re both selfless heroes in a small way, so feel free to admire us and follow us on Twitter.

I think Erin just got back from Jazzercise so I’ll go see what kind of self esteem brainwashing they’ve done to her this time. Just pray that I don’t get distracted by the dark side of the force?

Conclusion? Go Jazzercise! Continue to improve the quality of our marriages until I prove that you’re a cult!

2 thoughts on “Is Jazzercise a Cult?

  1. Funny. My wife, who has been in Jazzercise for at least 15 years sent me this link. I’ve been calling Jazzercise a cult for that whole time, (jokingly). If our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit,and they are, I think God must be quite happy with the temple my wife is taking care of.


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